meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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