The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
