guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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