we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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