i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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