hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
