I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
