we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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