I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
