He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/