Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
