you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
