He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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