The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
