Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
