The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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