that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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