Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
