I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
