The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
