Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
