I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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