this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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