if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Randomize
