He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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