im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
