I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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