I faked an abortion last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
