I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
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I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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