Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
