it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
