WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
