So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
