There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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