Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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