I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
