dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
