Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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