I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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