I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
