So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
