I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
