You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Terrible idea I love it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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