she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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