That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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