Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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