Don't make out with my wife yet
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
