dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
