So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
