I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
