New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
