I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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