I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
