My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
